Peppermint Patty: "Have you made any New Years Resolutions Chuck?"
Charlie Brown: "Yes. You know how I always dread the whole year? Well, this time, I'm only going to dread one day at a time."
Charlie Brown gets me a soulful level. He is my spirit cartoon.
It's not hard for me to tell you that 2017 HAS NOT been my favorite year. In fact, it's been one of my least favorite years to date. I've had worse, but I've had better. I got diagnosed with an autoimmune disease this year, Hashimoto's Disease, which will never go away, and I've yet to get to the right levels, despite taking my medicine daily. My anxiety and OCD hit a peak, and I had a mental breakdown, and thought seriously about checking myself into an institution. I had the worst panic attack I've ever had, which says something, considering my history with panic attacks. We got awful uniforms at work, and I wish I could tell you that's the worst part of my job, but it's not. It's a toxic environment that's only made my health worse in all regards. I've had my OCD thrown in my face, with no regards for my feelings. I've seen people for who they really are, and some of those revelations have been painful to learn. Kevin and I have had a tough year, with battling our own demons, and that creates tension. We've had difficulties financially, which doesn't help either. I've put myself in boat loads of additional debt going back to school. I've put my own self care to the side, because I don't have time for it, which only makes my health issues and my mental health issues worse. Leopold, one of my sweet cats, has something wrong with him. Despite a strict vet diet, we can't seem to get him to stop throwing up. They thought it was IBD, but only affecting his stomach. The vet wants us to take him back to get more tests done, which I don't know what tests are left to do. And if you know me, you know that when my cats hurt, I hurt. They're my children, and I love them as such. We've had non-stop issues with our neighbors, and they're basically the worst. I've coped in unhealthy ways (thank you, shopping addiction), which has caused me to feel really bad about myself, worse than usual. I had such faith in my football team, until our QB tore his ACL with only 3 games left to play, and that was a gut punch. Football is life for me, so that really sucks. We're in a great position, but without him, it's like having an advantage for no particular reason, because it's not going to get used. I know that's not all of it, but if I keep going, I might cry lol. To add to it, I'm presently sick, writing this blog post to you from my bed, where I've been since last night, and had to call out of work today. I *ALMOST* made it one December without getting sick, which would've been the first time in all of my 29 years, but I'm certainly not that lucky.
It can't rain all the time though, right? There's been some positives to it. I started going back to school, to obtain my BA in Psychology in Addictions, so that one day I can have a job I love, and make a difference in people's lives. All that debt has to mean something right? I've completed two terms at Kaplan, and am presently on my third. But, I'm 2/2 on being on the President's List for having a 4.0 GPA in both terms! Despite the health issues I've faced, I've persevered through them, and have found a renewed strength in myself in doing so. I've gotten surprisingly good at getting blood work too, which I'm actually quite terrified of. I've even been able to get it on my own! Even though Kevin and I have had rough patches, we still have each other, and we'll never let each other go through anything alone, because that's what marriage is all about. Anyone that tells you marriage is all rainbows and butterflies is full of shit. I know that I will always have someone by my side, as long as I have him around. Me and Amber got to relive our youth and see one of our favorite bands from our teenage years, HIM, for the very last time during their Farewell Tour. We had a blast! My Halloween tree was by far the best one I've done yet. I may not ever take it down lol, even if the cats broke part of it and the center lights no longer work (I'm looking at you, Luna Moon!). Kevin and I saw a musical of Beauty and the Beast at a local theater recently, and it was just magical. One of the highlights of my year. I've successfully paid off 4 loans! F-O-U-R! Sometimes I win at adulting.
But what about my resolutions? If you recall, I vowed to read 15 books, and to better manage my anxiety. Let's talk about what I thought would be the easier one; reading 15 books. I have not been totally successful in that area. Granted, going back to school has taken up almost all of what little free time I have. And, on my list, I didn't include text books that I've read, which is presently 4 total so far. Here's my list:
So, I wasn't completely successful, but I didn't totally fail! And, I'm like 3/4 done Yes Please, so maybe I'll be able to finish it before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st! So, I give myself a pat on the back regardless.
As for working on my anxiety, I've done pretty good, actually much better than I expected. I've been seeing my therapist since January of this year, and she's great. She's helped me with tips, and she's been a great addition to my support circle. I've got my anxiety journal that I've consisted written in, and it's also Beauty and the Beast themed, so it's pretty much amazing. I try to practice the tips my therapist has taught me when things aren't good, and I try to teach them to others, because knowledge is power. If I can help someone, with anything, I will. I made the leap to take medication for my anxiety and panic, which was a HUGE step for me. I still have difficulty accepting it, but it does help. Am I cured? No. Will I ever be? Not a chance. But taking these steps, big and small, have made a big difference in my life.
So what's your resolution(s) for 2018? I'm holding out hope that it'll be a wonderful year, because 18 is my favorite number, so it has to be wonderful, right? It's flawed logic, but I'm going to use it. I've created a list and put it in my phone, so that I can always refer back to it, when I need that motivation.
Complete College Comp 1 and get it over and done with.
Maintain my 4.0 GPA and be on the President’s List every term.
Remove myself from most of the Lula groups I’m in (barring my favorites.)
Go through FB/phone list and delete all toxic people from my life. If you don’t have anything positive to offer me, you don’t need to be involved in any aspect of my life.
Find a new job, that’s not the bank, while attending school. The bank is toxic, which means I’ve gotta leave it behind.
Ambitious aren't I? You gotta have dreams. As my Nite Nite Monster's Inc PJs say, "If your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough."